George Gissing
"The Schoolmaster's Vision"
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IN the quarter of an hour before morning school, Mr. Donne, as was
his wont, paced a strip of garden within view of the playground. He
was bareheaded, and his magisterial gown, scarcely stirred by the
breath of a calm, bright sky, draped him with the dignity he loved.
His hands behind him - shapely hands, white and soft - his head
inclined, and his features set in meditative mildness, Mr. Donne
presented the ideal of head-mastership. He was the man with
whom no boy would take a liberty, who ruled by spiritual awe
(scornful of baser method), and in whom his mature associates
respected the bland union of erudition and high breeding.
With half attention his eye remarked two youngsters who were
approaching him; one of them, a lad of twelve, at length stepped up
to the wicket by which Mr. Donne was passing, and respectfully
made known his wish to be heard.
"What is it, Rogers?"
"If you please, Sir, Argent would like to speak to you."
"Certainly. Why need Argent send an ambassador? Ask him to come
into the garden."
Rogers withdrew, and his companion, a pale, timid boy, two years
younger, came forward. Willie Argent was in his first term, and still
regarded the head-master with dread rather than veneration.
Having passed the wicket, he stood in a paralysed attitude, unable
to raise his eyes or to utter a sound.
"Well, Argent," said Mr. Donne kindly, "what is it You had a letter
this morning, I think. Any news you wish to tell me?"
The poor little lad feebly commanded his tongue.
"Yes, Sir - please, Sir. It was from Mamma. She's coming to see me."
"Indeed? I'm very glad to hear it. When will she come?"
"To-day, Sir - some time - most likely the afternoon." Mr. Donne
knew nothing of Mrs. Argent save that she was a widow, and had
for some years been living in France. The boy was placed with him
by a relative residing at Bristol, a merchant of good position, whose
house was Willie's home. These circumstances had excited no
interest in Mr. Donne, and it was now perhaps for the first time that
he carefully regarded the lad's countenance. Willie Argent had
pretty, girlish features, indicative of delicate sensibilities, and of a
nervous system altogether out of tone. When he had spoken a few
more words, and had dismissed the pupil to his play, the
schoolmaster mused awhile on the probable character and
appearance of Mrs. Argent. In all likelihood, a not very estimable
woman; careless, perhaps, of her child-coming to see him merely
when it suited her convenience. The boy did not seem particularly
pleased. "Mamma" sounded awkwardly on his lips. Well, it was
something, however trivial, to vary the monotony of the day. As he
heard the school-bell begin to clang, Mr. Donne sighed. He turned
from the garden with a weary reluctance, far more difficult to
overcome than the spirit of the boys which bade them revolt
against imprisonment on such a morning as this. From the steps of
the private door he looked for a moment over a wide prospect of
fields and woods, where on the horizon lay a murky cloud. That was
Bristol. The city had no special attraction for him, but, in default of
better resort, Mr. Donne would gladly have spent a truant day
among the shops and shipping. But his "senior Greek" awaited him.
The school had a moderate reputation. Fifteen years ago, soon after
he left the University, and simultaneously with his marriage, Mr.
Donne became its proprietor, deciding hurriedly upon a career for
which everyone assured him that he was well fitted. As, indeed, he
was, though - a common case - he might have done better in other
walks of life. Marriage obliged him to decide in haste; otherwise,
there would have been both time and opportunity for experimental
efforts. While yet an undergraduate he had become engaged to a
girl of his own rank, and the prospect of domestic happiness
overcame all other considerations. For this also Mr. Donne had
abundant capacity. Youth entangled him in no passionate
perplexities; nothing in his history asked for concealment; he
married at the bidding of a tranquil, steadfast love, and found no
reason to repent his choice. It was only that he might have done 80
much better not to marry at all - the common case.
Three children were born to him; all lived and were growing up in
health. But the mother had been dead some six years. It was the
result of a boating accident. Saved from drowning, Mrs. Donne died
of an illness that followed upon the shock.
He thought of her with a tender regret, and, could a word have
brought her to his side again, would joyfully have spoken it. And
yet, and yet, he had long ceased to suffer under his bereavement.
He thought of himself as a man to whom the world still offered
richer opportunities than he had hitherto known; it might be that
Providence - such is the mould of some men's reflection - had
designedly released him from an unsuitable bond. Poor Rachael was
not exactly the wife for him; he had known it long before her death.
An admirable woman; so sweet of temper, so loyal, so modest, so
"right-thinking," but with. not a spark of originality, and hopelessly
astray in any sphere but that of home. After living with her for a
few months he could anticipate all her views, her very phrases,
with entire certainty. She thought of everything from one
unchangeable point of view; the propriety of her sentiments
defeated criticism; her conduct was flawless. And what more could
a man desire in his wife? Mr. Donne many a time and oft rebuked
himself for secret impatience. His perturbed mind presently gave
admission to the strangest fancies. If only it was permissible to
cherish the wife of one's bosom, and at the same time to let one's
eyes wander in search of ---- But the dissolute thought could have
no abiding place in a mind of such integrity.
Mr. Donne's sister, a discreet domestic lady of something more than
forty maiden years, now kept house for him, and relieved him of all
minor cares about his children. As for the school, it might have
prospered more decidedly under more energetic governance; the
head-master taught only one or two classes, and these, not seldom,
with a rather noticeable languor; but his assistants were well
chosen, and he held his supremacy in a way which allowed no one
to suspect that at heart he so often despised himself and all his
functions. He had the grand manner, shaped on the best academic
tradition. Though not in orders, he could on occasion discourse with.
the true clerical impressiveness; but of late years he was grown
chary of exercising this talent to the full; his admonitions, public
and private, were marked by a more secular tone than during Mrs.
Donne's lifetime.
About eleven o'clock this morning, as he sat in his study trying to
write letters, but actually overcome with a singular listlessness, it
was announced that a lady - Mrs. Argent - would like to see him. He
rose at once.
"Miss Donne is engaged, I suppose?"
"Yes, Sir. The lady is in the drawing-room."
Thither he at once betook himself, thinking not at all of Mrs. Argent
as an interesting person or otherwise, but glad of the event as a
distraction to his oppressive mood. As he entered the room, and
became aware of its occupant, he felt a shock of surprise; there rose
before him a lady whom he would never have imagined to be the
mother of a boy ten years old; so fresh her complexion, 80 slim and
lithe her figure, so spirited her whole aspect, that one would
naturally have taken her for six-and-twenty at most. She was
dressed, too, in an unfamiliar costume, with curiously short skirts.
Before the schoolmaster could offer any greeting, Mrs. Argent,
stepping forward with delightful frankness, her hand extended,
addressed him almost gaily, as though they were old acquaintances.
"I am so afraid, Dr. Donne, that I have timed my visit awkwardly.
But, really, the morning was so delightful, and-the fact is I have run
down from Bristol on my machine - my bicycle. I thought at first of
spending the time somehow till afternoon; but I really ought to be
back again before evening. If you will forgive me - and allow my
little son to play truant for once ----"
Mr. Donne (not for the first time was he styled Doctor) found
himself regarding the lady's skirts and her wonderful feet with
indecorous fixity: he became a trifle confused, and at first could
murmur only the indispensable words of politeness. The accidental
peculiarity of Mrs. Argent's mode of travelling seemed to obscure
for the moment her more essential characteristics. It was not until
she had spoken again, praising the site of the school, that he became
fully conscious of her very charming voice and manner and bearing.
The Puritan strain in him prompted disapproval. After all, she was
doubtless the neglectful mother he had supposed; a frivolous,
sportive creature, enjoying life '.in her own way, and throwing her
natural responsibilities on to other shoulders. His countenance
betrayed the thought, even though he was endeavouring to shape it
into such a smile as might be worn by a man of the world.
"Your son will be delighted. He expected you, I think, only in the
afternoon ----"
"Yes. Impatience has always been my fault. But what do you think
of him, Dr. Donne? Not much life in him I'm afraid This air ought to
brace him up."
The schoolmaster delivered himself with professional gravity of
certain rounded periods, and, even whilst he spoke, abused himself
inwardly for owlishness. Effort was vain; he could not assume a
natural demeanour and, as he wished, converse with this
interesting lady in her own spirit. Awed, no doubt, by a dignity
which seemed expressly meant for her edification, Mrs. Argent
grew more sedate, more self-conscious.
"You will be able, I trust," hummed the head-master, "to give us the
pleasure of your company at luncheon. My sister ----"
Mrs. Argent accepted with formal amiability, using few words; and
thereupon Mr. Donne withdrew to apprise Willie and send him to
his mother.
Parent and child were together for half an hour in the drawing-
room, and at length entered to them Miss Donne, who left no
hospitable duty or grace undischarged.
"Willie wants to see me on my bicycle," said Mrs. Argent, "so we'll
go out together for an hour. The run will do him good, I daresay."
To Miss Donne the lady's manner touched upon condescension, had
the unmistakable air of social superiority; a tone which might be
held to justify itself, for Mrs. Argent diffused about her an
atmosphere of wealth and fashion. The head-master's sister was
able to observe her from a window as she rode away on the bicycle,
slowly, skilfully, the little lad trotting by her side; and presently she
exchanged comments with Mr. Donne. "An unusual sort of person,"
remarked the schoolmaster, in an absent voice. "Of the newest type,
I presume." And he would add little to this opinion. Miss Donne
concluded, with satisfaction, that he thought more of Mrs. Argent
than he cared to say.
On their return at the luncheon hour, mother and son sat side by
side in Mr. Donne's dining-room. Willie's face showed an unwonted
animation; though voiceless and unable to eat, he smiled with
pleasure, and constantly sought his mother's eyes. The head-master
was able at length to note a likeness between the two, but he still
marvelled at the lady's seeming youth; she and Willie might have
been brother 'and sister. Mrs. Argent's talk, bright and entertaining,
had no reference whatever to domestic affairs. She spoke of a
recent journey she had made in a little-known part of Europe; then
of meetings with people whom it interested Mr. Donne to hear of -
politicians, learned men, celebrated women. The schoolmaster's
eyes brightened; insensibly he took more claret than usual, and
when the inevitable end drew near he felt a profound despondency.
"You think of making your home in this part of England, Mrs.
Argent?" he asked, leaning forward a little.
"Oh, no!" she answered, with a smile which suggested some special
meaning. "I return to London to-morrow, and - most likely I shall
leave England again - for a time."
The schoolmaster's spirits sank; even his features betrayed a
disappointment, though he forced himself to smile continuously. But
he still had an hour's enjoyment of Mrs. Argent's company. Willie,
dismissed the while, came back again to sit with his mother in the
drawing-room until it was time for her to leave. Mrs. Argent
proposed returning to Bristol as she had come.
"You don't cycle, Dr. Donne?"
The man would have given half his substance to be able to mount at
her side. His jaw became rigid.
"Oh, I beg your pardon! It would hardly be ----"
"Merely my neglect of rational exercise," interposed the
schoolmaster quickly. "No point of etiquette is involved, I assure
you."
When the moment came, he accompanied her into the garden,
watched her wheel out the machine and spring to her seat with
perfect grace, strode by her as far as to the gate, and stood
bareheaded as she swept away, the boy running and leaping in her
track. Then he went straight to his study.
There had vanished the very ideal of his dreaming soul - or
perhaps of his restless, hungered emotion. A woman such as this he
had never met - never even in the days long ago, before his
marriage, when he mixed freely in the world. To him Mrs. Argent
was indeed of a new type; and no woman had ever so wrought upon
his imagination.
It might be - nay, undoubtedly it was the fact - that she fell far
below ethical perfection; she was probably selfish at the core,
incapable of the nobler feelings, a mere flash of superficial
brilliance. She cared little or nothing for her child; desired only not
to be troubled by him. For all that-a woman And Mr. Donne felt as
though he had lived hitherto without consciousness of woman's
existence. His eyes dazzled; his blood became a rushing torrent.
With angry contempt he swept aside his old scholastic judgment of
female excellence. A simple maiden, a humdrum housewife, an
indefatigable mother - yes, yes, all very good in their way; but man
is man, and woman is woman, and love is something other than
domestic tranquillity. Had he but known himself and life before the
marriage which made of him a respectable piece of mechanism! The
mere thought that he might have lived to love, and be loved by,
such a woman as Mrs. Argent, shook him with a frenzy.
He struggled to command himself; the mental habits of a lifetime
would not utterly yield to calenture such as this - natural and
pardonable in a very young man, but in one who had turned his
fortieth year a mere depravity of the senses. He tried to fix his
thoughts on the routine of the day, but the effort merely increased
his loathing for customary occupations. From the cricket-field
sounded voices of the boys at play, and he wished to stop his ears
against them. There came into his mind the contemptuous word
"pedagogue," and he kept repeating it. A pedagogue he; no man at
all, but a pedagogue; presumed, in the nature of things, to be
passionless, arid - a guide - post to examinations and all the virtues.
In the end his torture became intolerable; he could combat no
longer in this stifling atmosphere of classics and dictionaries;
without a word to anyone he prepared himself as if for an ordinary
walk, and set out by a field-path, leaving the school behind him as
quickly as possible.
Until of late he had always kept himself in good physical condition;
that was part of his duty as a headmaster, as an exemplar; but now,
for a month or two, he had all but foregone custom of exercise. The
warm spring, following on a severe winter, relaxed his muscles, and
a corresponding state of mind drew him into habits of indolence.
After walking half a mile at brisk speed he felt tired and breathless.
Indignant at this new revolt of the flesh, fiercely determined to
subdue his body, he strode along until the sweat streamed from
him. He had reached higher ground; a sea wind blew upon his face,
and gave him an access of vigour. On he went, careless of direction,
so long as he moved farther and farther from the hated school.
As the sun sank, he looked about him for an inn where he could eat
and drink. The house into which he at length turned afforded better
accommodation than he had hoped for; on an impulse, while sitting
over his meal, he asked whether he could have a room there for the
night, and without difficulty obtained it. Very well, he would grant
himself these few hours of liberty. His absence from home would
cause surprise, and, perhaps, a little uneasiness; no matter; as early
as possible in the morning a telegram should set his sister's mind at
rest.
Weary as he was, he again strolled about dark lanes, where now
and then a perfume made his soul faint within him. When at length
he went to bed, fatigue and the strangeness of his surroundings
allied themselves with mental excitement to forbid sleep. On the
staircase, for a long time, there sounded a whispered conversation;
the giggling of a girl ever and again sent a hot flush through his
veins. Then, of a sudden, heavy slumber overcame him.
He passed into a dream-world, more feverish and phantasmal than
that in which he had been agonising. First of all came a sense of
speeding through vast spaces, he knew not by what mode of
locomotion; beside him sped - not a person, but a voice. A woman's
voice, clear as a silver bell, ever rising to the note of merry
laughter. And it seemed to urge him on, until the exhausting
violence of his efforts made him aware that he was neither running
nor flying, but-riding on a bicycle. He marvelled at his sudden skill
in the management of this machine. "Do I ride well?" he shouted,
against the wind that all but stopped his breath. And the answer
was a gay, echoing laugh,, which shook him with such delirium of
passion that he started up from the bed, and half awoke.
Now he was climbing, still unutterably fatigued, but resolute in
advance, though it cost him his life; for the same voice still
accompanied him, inflamed his blood, and made his brain whirl
with rapture. The dream was in part a reminiscence of bygone
holidays in Switzerland; he saw the gleaming summits, the pine-
forests down below, and lower still the great expanse of a lake.
With this blended the school-room legend of Orpheus. The voice -
now behind him - was that of Eurydice. He knew that he must not
turn to look upon her, or all was lost. "Follow me! Follow me!" he
kept crying, and the answer was a reassuring laugh. "The peak-and
you are mine!" To that rapturous exclamation there came no
answer. Terror-stricken, he called again: "At the peak, you are
mine!" The awful silence overwhelmed him; spite of himself, he
turned, and, even as he did so, plunged into the gloom of fathomless
depths. Again he woke, and lay trembling, bathed in sweat.
For what seemed a long time, he tried in vain to sleep. He wished
for a renewal of the dreams, an agony yet a rapture. A cock crowed
in the night; a horseman came galloping beneath the windows. Then
all was quiet again, and again he slept.
He was once more on the bicycle, but this time had no control of it;
he wriggled, tumbled, could not advance a yard, and fumed in the
anguish of feeling himself, of making himself ridiculous. Near him
stood Mrs. Argent, holding her own machine as he had seen her just
before she mounted to ride away from the school; but she wore a
magnificent dress, such as would have become her on some brilliant
occasion of festivity, her bosom bare, save for gleaming jewels, and
her arms a glory of living flesh. She was beginning to show
impatience. "Oh, can't you do better than that? You really must be
quick; I can't wait for you." He made a desperate attempt to mount,
but his eyes would not turn from the woman's beauty, and again he
came ignominiously to the ground. Then she gave a loud, scornful
laugh; he saw her spring to the saddle, bend her shining head, and
float away. He pursued, and had strength to keep her in sight for a
long way on a country road; ever calling, imploring, with wondrous
vocabulary of passionate desire. All at once he saw by the roadside
a little boy, who, without moving, held out his hands after the
woman, and cried to her, "Mamma! Mamma!" At the pitiful sight, a
great indignation possessed him. "Stop!" he shouted. "It's your own
child! Stop!" But in that moment the radiant figure passed out of his
sight. He heard the boy weeping bitterly, and he too wept.
Amid innumerable phases of less distinct nightmare, there came
one which, even as he dreamt, alarmed him by its grotesque
caricaturing of a solemn ceremony in his actual life. He saw himself
in the study, closeted with a boy - or, rather, a young man - who
was about to leave school, and to whom, his wont on such occasions,
he was imparting grave advice. First of all came the accustomed
injunctions, sober, paternal, altogether excellent. But presently he
lost control of his tongue, which; as though at the prompting of a
Mephistopheles, began to utter counsel such as appalled his own
ear. "And now there is one point on which I feel obliged to touch,
delicate though it may be. You are nineteen years of age; you are
already going out into the world: the probability is that, before
many years are over, you will think of marrying. My dear boy, let
me beg of you, for your own sake, not to marry. Believe me,
marriage is the check upon civilisation. What men might do if only
they remained free through all their active years? We find
ourselves drudging to support wife and family, and it leaves us no
strength for anything else. Besides - you are sure to marry the
wrong woman. Imagine what it means, when you are irrevocably
bound, to meet with your ideal in the other sex! That fleeting
always comes much later in life, and the bitterness of it! Of all my
advice to you this is the most precious, because it comes of my own
miserable experience. Store it in your mind and heart!" The young
man said something, turned away, and went from the room. No
sooner had he gone than the dreamer felt a revulsion. Unutterably
shocked and ashamed, he rushed after his pupil, meaning to
obliterate that outrageous folly, to make a confession of temporary
insanity - anything, so that the words might be unspoken. But he
sought in vain all over the school-buildings, in the playground, the
fields. He tore about, his gown flying in the wind - and with a
choking shout returned to consciousness.
When morning glimmered at the windows he rose and dressed.
What a night! It had effectually cured him of his erotic fever; for he
ached throughout his body, and had a brain like lead. To make
things worse, the weather had changed; rain was falling, and
seemed likely to continue. He descended the stairs with uncertain
step, and stood by the open door of the inn drinking fresh air. After
a pretence of breakfast, a ramshackle conveyance bore him to the
nearest railway-station, and he reached home about midday.
Miss Donne did not press for explanations. She was accustomed to
regard her brother as wisdom in the flesh, and his strange worried
look suggested matters too deep for her inquiry. The head-master
kept very much to himself for the rest of the day. He did nothing,
and in his enforced idleness felt an older man.
The next morning he arose in a mood of indifference, ready to
pursue the familiar course with little more than the wonted
distaste. But something happened to affect the sluggish current of
his thoughts. His youngest child, a little girl of seven, had fallen ill
in the night; the symptoms were alarming, and a doctor had to be
sent for. Mr. Donne felt his paternal affection revive, and
throughout the day he had no temptation to think of Mrs. Argent, or
of his recent extravagances.
The day after that, when his mind was eased somewhat regarding
the child, he chanced in the afternoon to look into one of the smaller
school-rooms. As soon as he pushed the door open he heard a sob.
Within, at one of the desks, sat a boy with head bowed upon his
arms, crying desolately. It was Willie Argent. The head-master
entered, closed the door, and from a short distance spoke with as
much kindness as his voice could convey.
"What is the matter, my boy? Why are you crying?"
Willie gave a start, and sprang up. His face showed that he must
have been here for some time indulging a bitter grief. Mr. Donne
strove to reassure him; laid a hand on his shoulder; again speaking
as gently as possible.
"Do you feel home-sick, Willie?"
"It's more that - that I haven't got a home," broke from the boy's
quivering lips, with phrase and accents of sincerity which touched
the hearer profoundly.
"Oh, don't think that! Be sure your mother will make a home for you
before long."
Willie looked up, became shamefaced, struggled to speak, and, after
more encouragement, brought forth the news which weighed so
upon his heart.
"Mamma is going to be married, Sir."
Mr. Donne heard it without surprise or any other emotion.
"She told you so? Why, then, you will have a home so much the
sooner."
"No, Sir. She said I should live with my uncle and aunt just the
same."
The head-master cleared his throat, again kindly patted the boy's
shoulder, and began to discourse in set phrase.
"My dear Willie, you have begun your experience of the troubles of
life rather early, it is true, but remember that all trials, all sorrows,
are for our. ultimate good. Boys are sent to school that they may
learn many other things besides lessons out of books. One of these
things is manly independence. I am sure your mother has a
satisfactory purpose in arranging thus for you. Doubtless she has
observed that you are inclined to cling too much to the comforts of
home; she wishes to see you more like other boys-less sensitive,
more vigorous. You are going through a period of rather hard
discipline, but in the end you will reap a benefit. My boy, suffering
is the price of all good things in this world. It is suffering that forms
a manly character. It would never do if we had everything as we
wished. The noblest minds have gone through the hardest
discipline. . . ."
With much else to the same effect. And Mr. Donne did not believe a
word of it. His inner voice accompanied the audible with a running
comment. "Cant! Rubbish! Misery such as this never did anything
but grievous harm to body and soul. Why haven't you the honesty
to keep silence, where truth cannot be told?"
Of a sudden he recollected a portion of his dreams at the village inn,
that grotesque interview with the boy who was leaving school. It
had never recurred to his mind till now. He fell into abrupt silence.
Willie was no longer sobbing.
"I will try, Sir," he said, when Mr. Donne seemed to have ended his
hortatory remarks.
"There's a brave lad! Come, now, you must go out and join in the
boys' games. And-if ever you would like to speak to me in private
about anything, don't be timid. Come to me whenever you see me
walking in the garden. There's no reason whatever to be afraid of
me, I assure you." The head-master smiled, averting his look. "Come
as to a friend, my dear boy, and I will do my utmost to help you in
trouble such as this, or any other."
A day or two, and all was as before. Mr. Donne had lost no dignity
in the eyes of his subjects; he swayed the sceptre with no less
authority and grace than heretofore. If he knew himself somewhat
better, that was a purely private affair; perhaps he murmured to
himself the old philosopher's injunction, in Greek or in Latin, and
felt that it had a fuller significance for him. But the strange
experience in no way affected his conduct.
When the head boy left school Mr. Donne imparted his final counsel
with even more unction than of wont.
"And one word more, of wider application. Whatever the path in
which Providence directs you, cultivate a reasonable contentment.
There is a spirit abroad- a spirit of restlessness, of revolt. Be not
misled by it. However dull, however wearisome your appointed
task, discharge it thankfully; for, I assure you, there's nothing so
wholesome for man as steady and fruitful labour. Do not become
the plaything of a restive imagination; always consult your calm
reason; always ----"
THE END.
Provided by Mitsuharu Matsuoka, Nagoya University, Japan,
on 18 July 2002.
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